tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC May 5, 2017 12:37am-1:38am PDT
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- wanda sykes, comedian chris gethard, music from devin dawson. featuring the 8g band with josh dion. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everybody. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] so wonderful to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. house republicans today voted on and passed an obamacare replacement bill without knowing how much it could cost. though i'm not surprised they also voted on an obama
replacement without knowing the cost. [ laughter ] congress narrowly passed republican plan to replace obamacare today. also narrowly passing, grandma. [ light laughter ] [ audience ohs ] i didn't take away health care. [ light laughter ] a member of the conservative house freedom caucus said yesterday, that it can be difficult to negotiate with president trump because it's hard to tell what he's thinking. also if. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there were several protests here in new york for president trump's first planned visit since his inauguration, including one protest at trump tower. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
today was respect for chickens day. that's right. "r-e-s-p-e-c-t," said president trump trying to spell chickens. [ light laughter ] that was my favorite one, so there you go. [ light laughter ] sometimes -- sometimes we diverge. [ light laughter ] that's right. today was respect for chickens day which is information that would have been useful to me before lunch. [ light laughter ] according to a new biography, former president obama proposed to a serious girlfriend he had before he met michelle obama, but he paused so long she walked away. [ laughter ] will you ah -- [ laughter ] will you ah -- marry me? [ light laughter ] diane? some psychologists say that a so-called masturbation break at
work could increase productivity. said one employee, huh. i guess i would get more work done if i took a break from masturbating. [ laughter ] he's so happy! [ light laughter ] and finally, today was national "star wars" day and if you celebrated, no girlfriend you have. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. she's in the new film "snatched," for my money she's one of our greatest comediennes. wanda sykes is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] so happy to have her back on the show. he has a fantastic comedy special, "career suicide." it will air on hbo may 6th, my very good friend chris gethard is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have music from an exciting new country artist, devin dawson is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] you're really going to enjoy hearing from him. but before we get to all of that, today republicans led by president trump and house
speaker paul ryan rushed a bill through the house of representatives that would strip health insurance away from millions of people before most americans and even many members of congress knew what was in the bill. for more on this, it's time for "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: in the run-up to today's vote, trump spent the week continuing a habit of his from the campaign, making absurd promises about his deal making skills that have no basis in reality. yesterday, for example, he claimed that he might be able to solve the most intractable conflict in the world, the israeli/palestinian conflicts. >> let see if we can find a solution. it's something that i think is frankly, may be not as difficult as people have thought over the years. >> seth: maybe not as difficult as people have thought? peace in the middle east is the phrase people use to describe something that's difficult. [ light laughter ] that's like saying, when i need a needle, i just go straight to the haystack and grab one. boom. easy as that. [ laughter and applause ]
trump's claims about middle east peace are a lot like his claims about what his health care plan would actually do. naive, overconfident and detached from reality. and now, we're also getting a glimpse how trump's white house will square the promises he made about health care with the reality of this bill. they'll just lie. just take as an example, the border wall. trump has not gotten any money for his wall, so yesterday press secretary sean spicer argued that fencing was just as good as the wall trump promised and reporters were not having it. >> we have a porous border right now with broken fences, things that can be cut through and to replace this with 20-foot-high ballard wall will protect our country. >> are those photos fences or walls? >> that is called a ballard wall that is called a levee wall. >> that's the wall that -- >> no, no, no. no, no. there are various types of walls that can be built. >> so that's not a wall. it's a levee wall? >> that's what it's actually called. that's the name of it. that's what it is.
>> it's not the wall the president promised. >> no, no. hold on. [ light laughter ] >> he's telling reporters, the president's supporters to be satisfied with this existing tough guy fencing until he's ready to build the wall? [ light laughter ] >> seth: i love that reporters are now just fully [ bleep ] with sean spicer. [ laughter ] hey, sean! sean, the president promised a wall and i don't know, bro. [ laughter ] it, ah, kind of looks like a fence to me. right, everybody? [ laughter and applause ] no. it's a wall! it's a ballard wall, you jerks. did you just say? did you just say your balls were hard? [ laughter ] no! i said ballard! [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] of course, the deal trump has been desperate to get done has been the republican health care bill and today, republicans got one step closer to making it a reality by rushing a bill through the house. now, if the american health care
act becomes law, trump and the gop will not be able to escape the negative consequences. they will own them, but i'm not sure trump fully understands that. in an interview on monday, he was asked about a famous quote by george w. bush, who said that the reason the oval office is round, is there are no corners you can hide in. obviously, it's a metaphor about taking responsibility for your actions, yet trump seemed to take it literally. >> george w. bush said, the reason the oval office is round, is there are no corners you can hide in. >> well, there's truth to that. there's truth to that. there are certainly no corners. and you look, there's a certain openness, but there's nobody out there. [ light laughter ] you know, there is an openness but i've never seen anybody out there, actually. as you can imagine. >> what he meant was, it all comes back to you. >> sure. sure, sure. >> seth: sure. [ laughter ] sure, sure, sure. trump's like a guy who didn't get a joke. take my wife. please. "okay. where is she?" [ light laughter ] also, i'd like to point out that the metaphor she didn't get was from george w. bush. [ laughter ]
that's where we're at. [ applause ] the one thing george w. bush never thought he'd do is go over someone's head. [ laughter ] but in reality, trump will not be able to hide from the ramifications of this bill, and those ramifications are disastrous. remember, when republicans first tried to pass this bill a few weeks ago, the congressional budget office found it would kick as many as 24 million americans off of health insurance, raise premiums for older, poor americans by more than 750%, cut federal medicaid spending by $880 billion and give the wealthiest people a giant tax cut of nearly $1 trillion over a decade. the bill literally takes from the poor and gives to the rich. it's exactly what bernie sanders warned us about. the only thing bernie would hate more is a bill that bans free crackers at diners. [ light laughter ] "i take them home, and i feed them to my birds!" and then, on top of that, to get the bill passed today, republicans added new things that made it even worse.
they basically took an oatmeal raisin cookie and added cilantro. [ light laughter ] for example, the new version would allow states to waive out of obamacare's ban on preexisting conditions and essential benefits, such as pregnancy, lab tests, emergency room trips and ambulance trips. that's right. republicans think your health insurance shouldn't have to cover ambulance trips. so if you're having a heart attack, don't call 911. call -- ♪ 666-6666 remember 6 ♪ [ light laughter ] >> seth: can you remember that? [ light laughter ] despite all that, republicans hastily arranged a victory celebration it's a the white house today and were absolutely giddy and trump could not help but brag what he always brags about, the fact that he won. >> what we have is something very, very, incredibly well crafted and, you know, coming from a different world and only being a politician for a short time. how am i doing?
am i doing okay? i'm president. [ applause ] hey, i'm president! can you believe it? right? >> seth: no! [ laughter and applause ] no, i can't. cannot. also, look how happy those old, white guys are. i guess they just are happy they finally passed something that wasn't a kidney stone. [ laughter ] no longer covered, by the way. [ laughter ] but here's one of the most gulling parts of the whole process. in 2010, when democrats passed obamacare, republicans complained constantly about what they claimed was a rushed process that lacked public input. back then at least, obamacare went through tons of hearings, took well over a year to become law and what about this gop bill? there have been no hearings, no studies, no congressional budget office analysis, not even text of a bill circulated the day before the vote. in fact, some republicans right now are just outright admitting they did not read the bill they voted on. a bill that would reorganize 1/6th of the american economy.
like virginia republican tom garrett who said this on msnbc today. >> have you read the whole bill? >> oh, gosh. let's put it this way. people's in my office have read all the parts of the bill. i don't think any individual has read the whole bill, but that's why we have staff. >> seth: that's right. your elected official didn't read the bill, but jonah did. [ light laughter ] even the basic question of how much the bill would cost has been a mystery to republicans. like texas congressman joe barton who said this last week. >> is this going to be a cheaper bill when everything is said and done if it passes, or a more expensive bill than obamacare? >> well, that's a very good question. the honest answer, greta, is that nobody really knows. >> seth: and when it comes to health care, i think all americans want the comfort of not knowing. [ light laughter ] am i covered for this life-saving procedure? why don't we do the operation now and i'll we'll tell you tomorrow? [ light laughter ] ooh, that sounds fun. so americans and members of
congress haven't even read this bill and the congressional budget office has not told us how much it costs. i just wish someone would have the courage to come out against such a secretive process. i wish someone would just tell paul ryan that we shouldn't pass bills we haven't read and don't know what they cost. >> i don't think we should pass bills that we haven't read, that we don't know what they cost. >> seth: thank you, paul ryan. [ light laughter ] that was paul ryan in 2009 when obamacare was making its way through congress. and you'll never guess how much of what ryan claimed to hate back then, he's totally cool with today. >> if you rush this thing through before anybody even knows what's it is, that's not good democracy. that's not doing our work for our constituents. speaker pelosi is trying to jam her bill through as fast as possible. i think this is less about health care policy and more about ideology. this is not bipartisan, for bipartisanship to work, the majority has to be willing to collaborate with minority, that has not occurred. >> we are right here creating a legislative trojan horse in which a handful of people hidden from public view will reshape
how all americans receive and pay for their health care. >> and they're trying to muscle through by the end of this week. >> seth: and when it comes to muscling, no one knows better than paul ryan. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] look at that guy! he's in amazing shape. no wonder he's not worried about health care. his resting heart rate is he doesn't have one. [ light laughter ] everything that paul ryan claimed to hate about the obamacare process in 2009 he's doing now. republicans are lying through their teeth about the impacts of the bill and premiums and pre-existing conditions and hoping no one will catch them because there's no cbo score. and until last night, there was no text. americans are being conned and there will be consequences for the people doing the conning. but don't take it from me. take it from this guy. >> what people are going to get is not what they think they're getting, based on the rhetoric that was used to sell this health care bill. >> this is not about health care policy. if it were, we could pass a bipartisan bill to fix what's broken in health care without breaking what's working in health care. this is about ideology.
my friends, the choice is not whether you're going to stick with your party leaders. the choice here is what side of history do you want to be on? >> seth: yes. what's it going to be? are you with paul ryan? or are you with paul ryan? [ light laughter ] this has been "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with wanda sykes, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ugh, no bars. oh no, looks like somebody needs a new network. when i got this unlimited plan they told me they were all the same. they're not. verizon has the largest, most-reliable 4g lte network in america. it's basically made for places like this. honey, what if it was just us out here? right. so, i ordered you a car. thank you. you don't want to be out here at night
'cause of the, uh, coyotes. ok, thanks, bud. bye. be nice to have your car for some shelter. bye. when it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. just $45 per line for four lines. new degree ultraclearnt saving black + white.othes. no yellow stains on white clothes. no white marks on black clothes. new degree ultraclear black + white. it won't let you down.
chevythree years in a row. car company really... let's see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. kelly blue book 2016 best resale value... u.s. news best cars for the money 10 best blah blah blah only about 90 more to go! 2017 iihs...top safety. 2017 north american car of the year! that's a lot of awards! get 20% below msrp on all malibu lt models. that's $5,200 on this chevy malibu. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. they carry your fans shpassions, hopes, and dreams.s. and maybe, a chance at greatness because shoulders were made for greatness. not dandruff. discover card. hooh, you're real?? you know i'm real!
at discover, we're always here to talk. good, 'cause i don't have time for machines. some companies just don't appreciate the power of conversation! you know, i like you! i like you too! at discover, we treat you like you'd treat you. get the it card and talk to a real person. ♪someday you'll let me put my way ycomb up there♪air♪ ♪'til then you're beautiful and i just stare♪
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, we've been so lucky this week. we have had the fantastic musical talent of this drummer and singer from the band paris monster whose latest single, "ain't no movin' me" can be found on itunes and bandcamp.com. josh dion everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. >> thank you, sir. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: it's been a fantastic week. we've really enjoyed it. our first guest is an emmy award-winning writer and comedian who can be seen in the film "snatched" in theaters everywhere may 12th. let's take a look. >> please look away. >> would you just give him the danger eye? >> i don't even know what danger eye is. >> it's like this. that kind of thing.
>> i didn't make that face. >> i think you gave him some danger eyes. >> go -- go away! >> ride or die. >> seth: please welcome back to the show, the one and only wanda sykes, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how are you? >> hi. how are you? >> seth: good. so good to see you. you made this very funny film with a lot of funny people. amy schumer, joan cusack, goldie hawn. >> goldie hawn. goldie hawn. >> seth: goldie hawn, and you got to do it -- you got to be in honolulu. >> yes, yes. >> seth: how was that, being with funny people? >> it was crazy. i mean it's -- you're in hawaii. in honolulu, it was just gorgeous. beautiful hotel and, you know, like, you forget that you're there working. you know? >> seth: right. >> yeah, you're like, i should
go learn how to paddleboard. [ light laughter ] then you're like oh, shoot. i'm late. [ light laughter ] but yeah, it was great, and, you know, amy is always doing something. she has that crazy energy. >> seth: yeah. >> so -- she's, hey, let's go do a pop-up show tonight. so i was like, alright cool. i'll go up. >> seth: so just do stand-up. unexpected stand-up? >> yeah, just go do a show. unexpected stand-up. yeah. so i texted one of the makeup ladies. i said, hey, amy and i are going to go do stand-up at this bar. she sent back in big caps, "be careful." i'm like what -- it's hawaii. what is there to be careful about? and i was like, hey amy, she said, this bar, oh, yeah, it's a pretty dive bar. it's awful. i'm like, okay. then i thought about it. well it can't be like, our awful? >> seth: right. [ light laughter ] >> seth: you know, you're in hawaii. you know, so i'm like, so what's awful there? you know, they only got two tiki torches. [ light laughter ] it's bad. they don't even put the little umbrellas in your drink. [ light laughter ] bad!
and, really, we get there and it's like folding chairs. so i'm like, y'all are nuts. >> seth: that's not that bad. >> it's not that bad. did anybody get shot? no. okay. [ light laughter ] >> seth: well you think though -- there is a "hawaii five-0" tv show so they must have some crime. >> right, yeah, yeah. >> seth: but it is all about tiki torches going missing. >> exactly, exactly, exactly. >> seth: so you -- joan cusack is sort of your co-star. the two of you are -- and you describe yourself as her hype man in the movie, but there's a reason for that. >> right. right. well yeah, we're staying at the same resort that amy and goldie are staying at, and we're kind of like trying to rescue them, i guess. but joan and i, we're traveling together, and i'm her hype man, because she was in special ops, and she cut her own tongue out to avoid being, you know, tortured for secrets. >> seth: got it. >> so she cut her tongue out. >> seth: so joan cusack, the great joan cusack does not have a line in this movie? >> yeah, she does not have a line in the movie. [ light laughter ] you know -- and they gave her
that option whether she wanted to have the character with lines or not dialogue and she goes, "i'm going to go with no lines." i'm like, oh, okay. then she would do stuff, stuff like this to me. we had like a 6:00 a.m. call time. she'd go, hey wanda, you want to run lines? i'm like, you know what? [ light laughter ] you -- you can kiss my ass, joan cusack. [ light laughter ] >> seth: so you're in hawaii -- >> i've got whole paragraphs to learn and she's just in there -- [ light laughter ] >> seth: you're in hawaii. you're in a tropic paradise. was it anything like the fyre festival that we heard about last week? >> oh, that made me laugh. i mean that is just ridiculous -- who trusts ja rule? >> seth: yeah. [ laughter and applause ] >> what made you go -- you know who seems like the best travel planner? ja rule. you know? [ light laughter ] what makes you -- what makes you go i'm going to send my money to ja rule? like, who does that? >> seth: yeah. >> who are his pr people because i need to hire them.
>> seth: you think this is good pr? >> oh, my god. yeah. to get people to go, hey," let's talk about ja rule." i mean, when was the last time you said "ja rule?" [ light laughter ] >> seth: that's true. so this is one of those any publicity is good publicity sort of situations. >> yes, yes, yes. >> seth: i want to -- i always love talking about your daughters so we were talking backstage, they're 8 years old, you have twins. >> right. right. boy and girl. >> seth: your wife is french and you were talking last time that you feel like the rest of your family speaks french to conspire against you. >> they do, they do. oh, they totally do. i'm picking up little words. but i can tell when they're about to pull something over on me because they speak fast, and lower, like a lower tone. right? so it's like, oh, yeah, you know -- [ french impression ] blah, blah, blah. i'm like okay. i'm with you. breakfast. it's sunday so this must be brunch and then she'll go -- [ mumbling ] [ laughter ] and the kids are like, oh, oui mama, oui mama -- [ mumbling ]
ah, oui, oui, oui -- and i'm like oh okay. so we going to brunch. this is what they're like -- [ mumbling ] and next thing you know, i'm sitting in the middle of a lake on a canoe. [ laughter ] the hell? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: not fair. >> not fair at all. >> seth: your wife is outdoorsy. you are not. >> loves to be outdoors. >> seth: and this a -- >> your wife -- she likes outdoors? >> seth: my wife's the same way. she'll go out in anything? >> anything, anything. in the winter, i thought, i really thought they were going to come take our kids away from us. i really did, at one point, because she believes in fresh air, and it was like freezing outside. below freezing. snow -- and she makes the kids go outside. come on. we're going to go for a walk, and i'm like, they are going to come take our kids! [ laughter ] and look at the neighbors are
looking at you. look at people, they're all out there looking at us. [ laughter ] it's bad. >> seth: i want to talk, you're producing a show, it's called "talk show, the game show." >> "talk show, the game show," yes. >> seth: so explain how that "talk show, the game show" works. >> okay, so like "talk show, the game show" is to see who's the best talk show guest that night. >> three celebs come out and they compete. so it's like, if i say something, the audience laughs i get a point. >> seth: got it. >> but our show, we reward you for drinking. so if i came out here with a drink. then i'm like, ba-bing, point! drinking alcohol on stage. if i say like, you know, seth, boy, i tell you it's so hard being 45, they'd be like, oh, lying about your age. ding! you know, so it works like that. >> seth: i know, name dropping, is that a big one? >> name dropping, yes. talking about projects, and all that. >> seth: gotcha. >> so it's a lot of fun. >> seth: and who's the host? >> hosted by guy branam. >> seth: gotcha. >> yeah, he came up with this idea and our company, push it productions. we are producing it, it's on trutv every wednesday night. >> seth: alright, well that' fantastic. thank you for being here.
you plan to capture every moment. ♪ ♪ but what you really can't plan for, is when the moment captures you. ♪ experience moe as a member. the marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries, so no matter where you go, you are here. [ sighs ] hey, i was using that. what, you think we own stock in the electric company? i will turn this car around right now!
there's nobody back there. i was becoming my father. [ clears throat ] it's...been an adjustment, but we're making it work. you know, progressive.com makes it easy for us to get the right home insurance. [ snoring ] progressive can't protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto. [ chuckles ] all right. shsale this weekend!& family and take an extra 20% off sale prices on a great gift for mom! like diamond earrings for only $39.99! take an extra 20% off a ninja coffee bar and new sandals are just $11.99. you'll get kohl's cash too! kohl's. atyou don't have to choose just one thing. choose your trio with any 3 of 9 selections for $15.99. like new creamy lobster pasta toasted parmesan shrimp and southern-style crab cakes. come create your trio before it ends. unlimited data on t-mobile, now that's a treat. why did verizon take so long to offer it? is it because their lte network was built six years ago?
♪ >> seth: welcome back to "late night", everybody. our next guest is a very funny actor, writer, and comedian. his comedy special, "career suicide", airs this saturday night on hbo. please welcome back to the show our friend, chris gethard, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: so happy to have you back. >> yeah. psyched to be here, man. >> seth: i'm so happy you're here, because you recently had the premiere of your special. this is an event where you show up, there's photos and then you screen. and you on instagram, you were running late to your own premiere? >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: and having a meltdown. >> yeah, i had to put in on instagram to stay sane. >> seth: and i just want to note, since we have some of the photos, it actually gets darker
through the periods of the photos. >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: you are there. that was, by the way, that was the cool version of you. [ light laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: then you started to fall apart. >> yup. >> seth: now we realize, uh-oh, this is not good, and finally, they go out like lights are on. [ light laughter ] so what happened? how are you late, because you lived here your whole life? like you lived in the area. >> yeah. in the tri-state area. like i, you know it was at the -- they premiered it at the tribeca film festival. it was very fancy for me. you know me a long time. i am legit, you can vouch for it. a low-self-esteem guy from new jersey. like that's who i am. and hbo sent this real fancy car. and i was like, "i'm going to live the fancy life for once. and then sat in traffic 90 minutes trying to get through the midtown tunnel." and all i could think about was like, "john mulaney never has to deal with this." [ light laughter ] pete holmes, he is never late to his own premiere. like this is the most on brand chris gethard moment. [ light laughter ] this is like the biggest night of my professional life and i'm 20 minutes late. >> seth: it is very, not just on brand for you, on brand for the special, because the special is
very funny, but it's also very, it's very open. it's very emotional and raw. you talk a lot about things you've gone through throughout your life. and so how have audiences reacted to it? because i know you've done it sort of all across the world before it became this special. did you find people reacted to it differently in different places? >> i did. 'cause like you said, it's like it's about depression and anxiety, still very funny, but it's about that stuff. and i mean like suicide's in the title. and, did it all over the states, canada, they were so nice, as you'd imagine. >> seth: sure. >> they're like, "we applaude you, this is funny, and you're brave." it was just so nice, like, london they like do not like converations about male vulnerability in london, i found out. like, got a little quiet there. but my favorite was scotland. i did the edinburgh fringe festival. >> seth: fantastic festival. >> great time. and i was in this venue -- one night, a scottish bachelor party showed up. they call them a stag party, which is like, you know like our bachelor parties multiplied by scotland. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> you know what i mean, like it was bad, and i'm trying to do this like 90 minute long frank discussion of my suicide
ideations in front of them and i've been heckled before, but i've never had this. these drunk scottish guys, they would leave two at a time, and i was in this venue where they'd like walk down these bleacher seats then across the stage. so it's totally disruptive, and they do that, like, everybody 90 seconds. two of them would leave. and finally, i was like, "hey i get that this is not the show you guys signed up for. you didn't know what you were getting in to. maybe if anyone is going to leave, just leave now." and from the back, one of them is like, "no we're all in it for the long haul. we're enjoying it." you know, and i was like, great, thank you. and then 30 seconds later, two more leave, and i was like, "man you win. scotland won." [ laughter ] like they beat me. scotland won. >> seth: i mentioned in the special, i guess it was what, 2007? >> yeah. >> seth: i called you -- we knew each other from improvising together. i called you and offered you a guest writing job on snl. and i did not realize -- i was too casual about it. >> yeah i make jokes about seth
in the show. 'cause he like called me up, you were just like, you behaved as if we had ever spoken on the phone before. >> seth: right. >> like we'd see each other at ucb and i'd say like marvel comics are better than dc, and we'd fight about that. >> seth: yeah we'd fight about that, yeah. that was our relationship. >> yeah. and then one day i get a call, and you're like, "hey do you want a job at snl?" and i was like, i feel like seth like seth is legit. like some celebrities, like you find out they have a dark side. like you're one of the most nicest, most reasonable, like down to earth guys i ever met. but i think part of that you, like, sometimes forget that you legit work in a tower in the sky. [ laughter ] you know what i mean? like -- [ laughter ] like -- you were the head writer at the biggest comedic institution in american history, and you're just like, "hey, gethard, want a job?" and i'm like, "i live in a room with no closet." [ laughter ] like you have to, ease me into this, man. >> seth: it was great. i will say, i, you know, 'cause of course, i look back and i hung up the phone, and i was like "well that went perfect. i got my message across." and it was very funny, a decade later, to watch that special and realized, "oh, i should be more careful."
>> you freaked me out man. >> seth: i should have texted you first and said, "i'm going to call you, brace yourself." >> yeah, i was like, "oh my god, my whole life just changed and there's so many people i might let down." like that was my reaction to it. [ light laughter ] >> seth: you are a comedian, but you're also, you know -- we've talked about very real things. you're not one of those comedians who's like desperate to make people laugh all the time. are people in regular life sometimes surprised that you're a comedian? >> yeah. because i'm not funny offstage and many people say i'm not funny onstage. [ light laughter ] i'm like a comedian, at this point, doing my shows about depression. but the best example of that, my favorite thing was, i talk about this in the special, in "career suicide." i was once on a medication, and i was abusing it, i was going way overboard and i developed these hemorrhoids, these internal hemorrhoids from it. and i have some jokes about that in the special, but there's one that i don't mention. i had to see this doctor four times and he had to do this procedure on me and i go see him for the third time. and i mean i'm like bent over the table, you know?
and he has a device in me, that i'm not kidding, it's called an anus scope. and i'm like -- he's doing his job and i'm trying to, like just you know, get through it. and he's like, got the anus scope in there, and hey's like "hey, we've met -- this is the third time i've met you. i've never actually asked what you do. i'm like, i'm -- i'm a comedian. [ light laughter ] and he's like you're -- you're a comedian? really? like you don't strike me as a comedian. and i'm like "yeah, i'm a professional comedian." but the best part was his assistant, who had been there the whole time in the room the whole time, she out of the blue is like, "hey, my nephew's been doing open mics. do you have any advice?" [ laughter ] i was like, "no. i don't have any." huh-uh not now, i don't have any advice right now, i'm sorry." [ light laughter ] >> seth: i do have some advice on what people should talk about when they'rerunning an anus scope. [ light laughter ] >> yeah. i don't like giving out advice like when i'm not being violated by anus scope, you know what i mean? like i'm shy then. >> seth: i've been a guest on it, i'm such a fan of it.
you have a talk show, the "chris gethard show", which for my money, is the most inventive talk show out there. and i am so excited it's coming back. you're gonna be doing it again. >> yeah we just announced it today. 16 episodes, and we're moving, new network, trutv. >> seth: you're gonna do the show live. >> yeah, which i can't believe they're letting us do that. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah becaise your show is certifiably insane. >> it is it's total anarchy. formatless. >> seth: the time i did the show, your entire staff -- the premise of the show was that you had all stayed up for 24 hours? >> 36 hours. >> seth: 36 hours. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> seth: and so i showed up as a guest on the show, and it was madness. >> everybody's like hair was messed up. i cried on our -- >> seth: you cried, yeah. >> when seth came on my talk show i cried and told him how i thought i disappointed him in 2007. [ laughter ] like, that that's my take on the talk show. >> seth: but you had also one of the singular moments in television last year. you did an episode, again, i want people to know how fantastic the show is. you had a dumpster onstage. >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: and you had a couple of friends of ours and a couple
friends of ours, paul scheer, and jason mantzoukas. you basically had them try to guess what was in the dumpster? >> and people could call in and guess. >> seth: yeah. >> we would give hints and stuff. >> seth: and it was sort of like 20 questions. people would ask. and um, do you want to tell everybody what was in the dumpster. >> paul giamatti was in the dumpster. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: with that, just find it on youtube. enjoy, one of the greatest hour of television from last year. thank you so much for being here, buddy. always so great to see you. >> thank you so much. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: chris gethard everybody, "career suicide" airs this saturday night on hbo. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪
sh...and the tough times easier. the ever us collection. one diamond for your best friend... ...one diamond for your true love. now in white and rose gold for mother's day ever us. available at zales, jared and kay. there'try phillips' fiberway to ggood gummies.. they're delicious... and a good source of fiber to help support regularity. mmm. these are good. nice work, phillips'! try phillips' fiber good gummies!
neighborhood. one of the victims - a vice president of engineering at juniper networks in sunnyvale. the story is on our website. ==reveal== and: the case is now in the hands of the jury. jurors deliberating the fate of antolin garcia torres. he )s accused of kidnapping and killing sierra lamar 5 years ago.
>> seth: welcome back, everybody. now, you know, here at "late night" our monologue jokes are for everyone to enjoy, but sometimes we find it's fun to tell some very specific jokes that only a small group of people will get which brings us to a segment we call "let's get specific." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] so here are tonight's extremely specific jokes. the first joke is specifically for people who love golf. what's a bad golfer's favorite soup? a bisque. [ laughter ] >> fantastic. a bisque is an allowance of free shots you give to a lesser player to even the playing field. that joke was a hole in one. [ light laughter ] >> seth: well, thank you. i'm glad you enjoyed it. this next joke is for antique collectors. what's an antique collector's favorite singer? burt bacharach. [ laughter ] >> a bacharach vase would run
you upwards of $40,000. and everyone loves the music of burt bacharach. it works on two levels. >> seth: oh. well, thank you. >> thank you! >> seth: hey, you look like that guy who masturbates at work. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: this next joke is for meteorologists, why won't wile e. coyote go outside on a cloudy day? he's scared of anvils. [ laughter ] >> anvils, that's the word for the flat spreading top of a cumulonimbus cloud. there's a laugh front due to pass through my tummy, right now. back to you, seth. >> seth: thank you. for a weather girl you didn't seem 100% sure on how to say cumulonimbus? [ light laughter ] >> it's a hard word. [ laughter ] >> seth: this next joke is for sky divers.
why don't skydivers like centipedes? because they only have 100 feet. >> 100 feet? that's not enough for a sky diver. you're going to want at least 12,000. at 100 feet you would die. [ light laughter ] >> seth: true, and you know i can't believe i haven't noticed you in the audience until this moment. [ light laughter ] all right. this will be fun. this next joke is specifically for russian spies. so if one is in the audience, this is how we'll catch him. how can you tell if you're talking to a russian spy? because instead of saying good bye, they say, i must shpion my way. [ laughter ] >> it's like you were saying, i must be on my way, but you were saying shpion, which is russian word for spy. [ laughter ] >> seth: does that mean you're a russian spy? >> oh. it does. [ light laughter ]
well, i guess the jig is up. this joke has certainly blown my cover, but i am glad it will be the last joke i ever hear before i die. [ light laughter ] shpion -- [ light laughter ] everyone, this one is for fans of the video game "sonic the hedgehog." why can't sonic be the best man at your wedding? because he's always losing rings. [ laughter ] >> it's funny, because if you hit him. >> he loses his rings. >> wow, what a great moment. i will always think of this as our joke. >> delilah? >> yes, jason? >> i was going to wait, but it just seems like the perfect moment. >> oh, my gosh. oh, my gosh! >> delilah, will you marry -- >> ah! >> oh. [ laughter ]
>> seth: you could tell they were longtime sonic fans from their brand new sonic t-shirts. [ light laughter ] their never been worn sonic t-shirts. this next joke is very, very specific. it's for people who work at jan's hardware store in rockford, illinois. this is only for people who work at jan's hardware in rockford. where can you find mark and debbie? in aisle seven, because they're always screwing. >> oh, no! i don't think i can laugh at that. mark and debbie are both married to other people -- even though that is where we keep the screws. that is too far. >> seth: well, debbie better be careful. mark's seeing more people than the store does during the annual backyard bonanza sale. [ laughter ] >> now, that's funny. that's true. that is true! [ laughter ] >> seth: that's it for "let's get specific." [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with music from devin dawson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ looking for balance in your digestive system?
try align probiotic. for a non-stop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. get 24/7 digestive support, with align. the #1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. also in kids chewables. so ammara, you're a verizon engineer, tell me, what's one really good reason why the samsung galaxy s8 is better on verizon? well we have the largest 4g lte network in america. yeah that's a pretty good reason. and the most reliable. uh-huh. and, with unlimited, you get full hd video. oh wow, yeah, that's, uh, two, maybe even three reasons right there.
it's exactly three. okay. sure, whatever you say. (vo) if you really, really want the best, switch to verizon unlimited and get the galaxy s8 for just $15 a month. i saw you take those phones, you know. no, you didn't. new degree ultraclearnt saving black + white.othes. no yellow stains on white clothes. no white marks on black clothes. new degree ultraclear black + white. it won't let you down. what twisted ankle?ask what muscle strain? advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain? advil. for all kinds of things... like walking.ewarded hey, honey. dad, where's the car? thought we'd walk. he's counting steps. walk, move and earn money... goal! dad... hey, we wanna welcome everyone to the father daughter dance.
♪ [ applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a singer-songwriter out of nashville, tennessee, who's making his national t.v. debut with us tonight. and at the grand old opry tomorrow, performing his single, "all on me", please welcome devin dawson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ yeah i know that the woes and the ways of the world can get in side our minds and be ♪ ♪ too much sometimes i know
but baby don't let the no's and the ups ♪ ♪ and the downs from the rollercoaster ride beat you up inside baby doll ♪ ♪ but if you ever feel that way don't you ever hesitate cause you got my number you ♪ ♪ can call on me if you're in trouble you can fall on me when you're mad you can ♪ ♪ take it out on me when it don't add up you can count on me when you're low come ♪ ♪ get high on me make it slow take your time on me ♪ ♪ settle in let it out ♪ ♪ come and lay on me when it gets heavy put the weight on me baby put it all on me ♪ ♪ put it all on me ♪ ♪ wanna take you out on the town on my dime anytime tell me when ♪ ♪ you're free we can do anything and
everything you want yeah oh i wanna hear all ♪ ♪ your fears and your troubles strip it down really get to know one another ♪ ♪ when it's nobody but you and me just us girl you know i'm here for you ♪ ♪ you can lean on me anytime you need to you got my number you can call on me ♪ ♪ if you're in trouble put the fall on me when you're mad you can take it out on me ♪ ♪ when it don't add up you can count on me when you're low come get high on me ♪ ♪ make it slow take your time on me settle in let it out ♪ ♪ come and lay on me when it gets heavy put the weight on me baby put it all on me ♪ ♪ put it all on me girl put it all on me alright ♪ ♪
♪ c'mon relax your mind on me when you need a shoulder you can cry on me ♪ ♪ baby you can bet your life on me put it all on me you got my number ♪ ♪ you can call on me if you're in trouble put the fall on me when you're mad you ♪ ♪ can take it out on me when it don't add up you can count on me when you're low come ♪ ♪ get high on me make it slow take your time on me settle in let it out ♪ ♪ come and lay on me when it gets heavy put the weight on me baby put it all on me ♪ ♪ yeah baby put it all on me woo ♪ ♪ put it all on me ♪ put it all on me baby all right ♪